6-23-12/I Can’t Do This Again

I am really struggling. I don’t know if I can muster the strength to go through this AGAIN!

 

I know I don’t have a choice – and everyone keeps reminding me that – as if it helps. However, in many ways, I feel worse than going into the last surgery. Physically better overall, but still having pain from surgery/tubes, etc and mentally, not so good.

 

It’s not that I feel sorry for myself, I really don’t, it’s more a factor of being mentally worn out and being sick of being sick and helpless. I can’t function much at work, at home, or even enjoy things right now. I think much of getting through surgery is your mental attitude. Right now, mine sucks. That scares me and I am not sure how to correct it.

 

Furthermore, where is everyone? There was so much support going into the last surgery, and now, much less. Not as many people are offering to help out after, and much fewer are reaching out to Maria. Many also seem to think since I had the transplant, I am somehow prepared for this surgery. Therefore I need less support.

 

I am not complaining so much as I am confused. I am also not trying to diminish the effort many people are putting in. It just seems different. Again, I feel like I am going through this alone, and that doesn’t help the mental aspect of this.

 

At the moment I am overwhelmed with feelings of doubt that I can get through this – again.

 

It would be really nice to get on with me life at this point, and instead, I am starting from basically scratch again.

Comments
2 Responses to “6-23-12/I Can’t Do This Again”
  1. Daniela Butennandt says:

    David, I know it is easy to say for those who don’t have to go through this, but PLEASE don’t give up. I spoke to your Mom a couple of days ago to tell her how much we worry over here. I keep telling people about it who don’t even know you!

    Being a person who gets a stomache ache just from seeing a hospital,I fully understand that you are scared and worried. Who wouldn’t be!! I also admire Maria for her support and strength. We will keep our fingers crossed on Tuesday and hope to see you all soon!!

    Daniela and Laura

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