6-21-12/Overwhelmed – Don’t underestimate the mental drain

Today was supposed to be the surgery. I am glad it got moved so both top surgeons could be on the case, but part of me just wants this over with.


I am so overwhelmed from this hanging over me and knowing that my life – in a best case scenario – cannot return to any sense of normalcy for months.


I have tried to get some work done but that has proven too much right now. I have tried to get some basic things done around the house, but even that seems too much.


I fell asleep at 10:30PM last night and woke up at 4:15PM this afternoon. Thank G-D I had to pee and got up at 11AM and took my immune suppressants. I slept through my alarm going off for hours.




Kidney transplant alone comes with many ups and downs post transplant and much uncertainty going into transplant. I made the mistake of thinking things were going well and let my guard down.


This new surgery has hit me like a ton of bricks. I am barely functioning. Between pain and drains sticking out of me, etc. I am realizing I am starting to get over the first surgery – just in time for another one!


I think transplant doctor’s and surgeons focus a lot on the physical issues surrounding kidney transplant. Surgeon’s in particular are very good at focusing on the task at hand, while the nephrologists and coordinators (RN’s) are better at the whole picture/person.


I am not being critical – in my experience the team does a phenomenal job. You just have to understand everyone’s role and mindset so you can interact with each member of the team accordingly and get the best end result. Sometimes you wish they could be more empathetic though. Frankly, you wish everyone could.


However, there is no real way to prepare for the mental anguish and physical pain/discomfort. And even if people were more empathetic, I am not sure how much that would help the process. It would be better than not being empathetic – that’s a negative.


I think part of the process is feeling a little alone. After all, you are the one who feels the pain and the brunt of the uncertainty. The latter is felt by all who care for you though. I would say Maria is having a harder time with the postponement than I would have hoped.


Here’s to hoping for better days ahead.

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