6-18-12/Depression

I have tried to stay positive and when possible, laugh about the situation. This weekend, I hit a wall. I am deeply depressed.

 

Do I know it could be worse? Yes. Do I know others have it worse? Yes. Does that matter right now? Not really.

 

I can barely get out of bed right now. I am so mentally and physically exhausted from the (literal) pain of the past 2 months and the mental ups and downs have been difficult, to say the least. Now I am looking at going through all of it again.

 

Someone pointed out today that I was able to get up the energy and courage to face the first surgery.

 

I have given that some thought and am concerned. First, I took what little energy I had left and put it towards preparing and dealing with surgery and after. Secondly, I was ready. I had been so sick for so long, it was time.

 

The problem now is I haven’t recovered mentally or physically from the first surgery yet. Additionally, I am not going to feel better after this surgery. I am going to feel the same, but with fewer tubes sticking out of me and hopefully a now successful transplant. The motivation here is that I can finally get on with my life. As good as that sounds, it’s hard to imagine that right now.

 

Another issue is that I know what to expect – pain, embarrassment, catheters and cyscoscopy’s, drainage tubes, and a long, long, long, recovery. I thought that would give me some comfort, and it probably does on one level. I am not scared. I am just very upset, angry, and unhappy.

 

The odds of needing this surgery are so small, how I can be optimistic that this surgery works now? I know statistically, it’s unrelated, and the odds of falling into the 1st percentile twice are slim. However, emotionally, I am prepared for the worst. That’s exhausting in and of itself.

 

I apologize to those who have been pulling for me and hoping that I stay positive. However, I feel that it’s important to document the whole spectrum of feelings that surround this process. I think what I am feeling now comes with the territory.

Comments
2 Responses to “6-18-12/Depression”
  1. Maribel says:

    I know those deep valleys. Hang in there. As I’ve walked through them many times just follow that little light of hope that is there and you’ll get closer. I’ll be praying…

  2. tjzager says:

    I’m so glad you’re documenting everything, and feeling the full range of feelings. Being honest with yourself and others can only be the right thing to do.

    We are here.

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